May 21, 2024


My cat, Stella, by no means met a bowl of moist meals she didn’t like, which has turn out to be a difficulty in her later years. I made a decision to broach the subject, gently.

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Hey, Stella — it looks as if you’ve placed on just a few kilos currently.

I do know! Isn’t it nice? I really feel like a moose.


You know, it’s actually not good to hold round extra weight.

Of course it’s good. Storing fats means I’ll make it by way of subsequent winter no downside.


You stay in a home. You all the time make it by way of subsequent winter no downside.

Not true. This home is sorely lean on blankets. Come January the sofa is principally a glacier.


I’m simply nervous about your well being. You’re 17.

It may be time for a food plan. Oh, you need to have simply mentioned that! I’ll take a lemon-lime food plan.


A what?

A lemon-lime food plan.


Which is …?

One of these issues within the pantry. You know the stuff you drink all day?


You imply a soda, Stella. That’s not a food plan. And I don’t drink all of them day.

Says “food plan” proper on the can. And sure, you DO drink all of them day.


Going on a food plan means altering how and what you eat, Stella.

Like ingesting diets all day. I’m on board. Let’s pop some diets and activate Netflix.


For the final time, I don’t drink diets all day.

Hey, I’m not the one leaving empty diets everywhere in the home.

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Stella, ingesting “food plan” lemon-lime soda from time to time doesn’t imply you’re ON a food plan.

Does the identical go for food plan cola? And root beer?


All of them.

So you REALLY should not be on a food plan, by the seems to be of our recycling bin.


Listen, Stella: A food plan merely means I serve you … uh … much less.

Less? Less what?


Well, much less meals, in a nutshell.



It will take some adjustment, to make certain, however the —

Listen to me: Do you admire the results of giving me much less meals?


Sure, and we’ll work collectively to —

Stop speaking and have a look at me: Do you admire the CONSEQUENCES of giving me much less FOOD?


Oh. You imply nighttime, proper? Particularly the hours of midnight to three a.m. When you’ll be … making your “sounds,” I take it?

The likes of which you’ve by no means heard from me, and at such a quantity.


You imply you’ve been holding again?

I’ve stored some tips in my again pocket — actual horror-show caterwauling.


You know I free feed you dry meals. It’s there all day lengthy and also you ignore it.

Let’s not carry my dry meals into this.


There’s nothing unsuitable together with your dry meals.

Easy for somebody ingesting diets all day to say.



You’ve bought one in your hand proper now!


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How about this: We’ll strive a senior moist meals for some time and see the way it goes.

Senior, huh? That means it’s the highest-ranked meals, right?


Something like that.

So beef stew? Filet mignon? BBQ duck?


All completed within the French type, known as “minced.”

About time I bought some respect round right here.


Might as nicely do senior parts as nicely. Go all in.

Only the perfect parts for me! How about we seal the take care of a toast?


You’re nonetheless not getting a soda, Stella.

No honest. Humans get the perfect diets.