Cat Book Mews: Zombies Don’t Eat Catnip

Have you ever questioned what the home cats are pondering through the Zombie Apocalypse? Because Clutch the Calico has quite a bit to say about her people and their survival expertise (or full lack thereof). It’s Cats VS Zombies within the cute and sarcastic world of Zombies Don’t Eat Catnip!

Excerpt:

It’s been lower than per week since we encountered the primary pickled males, but it surely feels prefer it’s been years. Just as I had feared, these laughably sluggish, oozy people by some means satisfied my barely much less sluggish people that I’m not allowed to play outdoors anymore. My harness has been amassing mud, and with all this lounging round, I’m unsure if it even matches anymore. Plus, the birds have been operating wild ever since, touchdown on my garden all willy nilly with nobody to cease them. I attempted mewing at Greg to inform him how dire the state of affairs was getting, however he didn’t even flinch.

Just wait till a gang of them poops on his automobile. Then he’ll recognize how a lot I did for him.

Normally, I’d simply take issues into my very own palms and sprint out the door when my people opened it to depart someplace. The best instances have been often as my greatest human left for work or my littlest human left for college, since they at all times had their palms full they usually have been too distracted to note that I had slipped out below their toes within the fraction of a second they’d the door open. But days have handed now, and neither one in every of them has gone wherever.

On the opposite, Greg has been grabbing entire planks of wooden and nailing them over the home windows, and he’s been pushing heavy furnishings in entrance of the doorways. He’s simply making a ruckus all over the place. It should be good not having distinctive cat listening to, as a result of all I needed to do was bury my head below a blanket and canopy my ears.

Once he completed banging round, he put in one thing like fifteen totally different sorts of locks on the entrance door that my thumb-less paws had zero probability of opening. Not solely was all this paranoia blocking my view of the surface, however he made it so I couldn’t even attraction to my littlest human as a voice of purpose, since I’m fairly positive she will’t open all these locks both.

Or so I believed. But right this moment, six-year-old Ella Mimsy stunned me. Like most surprises that my people assume will likely be so nice and enjoyable, it was completely horrible.

The day began greatest it might, given the circumstances. I wakened on the foot of my littlest human’s mattress. I stretched out, first pushing again right into a downward canine pose (which must be known as downward cat), then stretching out every of my again legs individually, earlier than shaking every of my toes to get my blood flowing once more. I hopped out of bed, and met Greg within the kitchen, who instantly greeted me with pats and a can of meals. I walked backwards and forwards between his legs, rubbing up in opposition to him to easy out my mattress head, whereas he acquired the can open.

Today’s meal was Furrtastic Feast’s Ocean Feast with Shrimp. Furrtastic Feast makes use of full items of shrimp, in contrast to Meow Meow Medley and Kitty Kuisine. The gravy is simply the correct amount of candy and savory to completely complement the meatiness of the salmon and whitefish, whereas the shrimps present little pops of texture. Oh, it’s my favourite.

But whereas I used to be having fun with seafood bliss, my littlest human was stepping into hassle. I didn’t see precisely what occurred, however I think about it went one thing like this:

Ella Mimsy crept to the door. The days of being caught inside had pushed her over the sting, and her model new tricycle was sitting there, proper in the midst of the yard, on the mercy of Slow Walkers and birds alike. She simply needed to play on it for a pair minutes. A pair minutes. That was all. Surely a tricycle was quicker than a sluggish walker, so what did she actually need to worry?

She peeked out the mail slot. The coast was clear. She glanced behind her. No signal of Greg. He was nonetheless within the kitchen with me, watching the information on his telephone with one half of his consideration whereas washing the dishes with the opposite. This was her probability.

Ella dragged a chair from the eating room to succeed in the locks close to the highest of the door. She might barely attain the very best lock, even on her tippy toes together with her arm stretched as far over her head as she might. It took her a few well-timed jumps, however finally she was in a position to get it free. One down, fourteen extra to go.

She slid and turned and separated every lock with relative ease. Most have been fast and easy so that they may very well be locked once more with the least quantity of downtime. The just one she was anxious about was the padlock on the backside. That was probably the most sophisticated of all of them, needing three numbers and simply the correct amount of spinning. But she had watched fastidiously when Greg put within the mixture the day earlier than, when he stepped out to get extra wooden and nails.

I solely know this, as a result of she had been petting me on the time, and she or he was so distracted watching Greg that she unintentionally began petting my entire face. Apparently she’s good at memorizing numbers.

She spun the dial a method, then the opposite, then clicked the final quantity into place. I heard the “Pop!” from the kitchen because the lock got here proper off, adopted by the sound of Ella cheering semi-silently to herself.

She climbed down from the chair and scooted it away. One extra peek out the mail slot. Still clear. She turned the door knob and nudged open the door, one centimeter at a time.

This was concerning the time that it dawned on me that I would must go examine. I meowed at Greg, hoping he’d determine it out, then headed towards the door.

I arrived simply in time to see Ella sprinting for her trike. That shiny purple body appeared to be the one factor her eyes might give attention to. In one fluid movement, she threw a leg over the black plastic seat and planted her toes on the pedals.

“Ella! What are you doing?!” Greg shouted from behind me. He rushed to the doorway, shouting loudly sufficient to shake the little human from her tricycle using trance. His voice was frantic. And I can’t blame him. She was utterly oblivious to the Slow Walker simply three toes away.

“Get again inside! There’s one proper behind you!”

Ella turned her head to look, shrieking when she got here face-to-half-rotted face with the undead. The monster had no legs and just one arm. It dragged itself alongside the garden on the velocity of snail.

My littlest human pumped the pedals on her trike as quick as she might, virtually throwing her entrance wheel right into a tree root, and launching herself onto the gardenias. She was too scared to make any choices that truly made sense, and her flailing and crying had given the Slow Crawler sufficient time to catch up. Its bruised and decayed claw reached for her ankle and caught her shoe.

Ella screamed once more as she tried to shake her leg free. “Help!”

Greg used his for much longer human legs to dart to her help. He yanked her into the air, not bothering to get her shoe again from the offending pickle man, and he rushed again inside.

But as a result of people aren’t superb at prioritizing, he made the sensible choice to set her down and ensure she was okay earlier than slamming the door shut. By the time he realized he hadn’t fastened the state of affairs in any respect, a zombie had already made it by way of the doorway.

“Hide, Ella!” My greatest human yelled. His eyes darted across the room, looking for some weapon to combat off the creature. He was shaking, his pupils dilated, and his thoughts so panicked, he didn’t see what was proper in entrance of his face. The little human began sobbing. I simply heaved a sigh.

I used to be perched atop the very best shelf, utilizing the upper floor, as everybody must be in a fight state of affairs. Not that I count on people to know the very first thing about fight. From there, I gave my ceramic flower pot stuffed with cat grass a superb arduous kick and knocked it over the sting of the shelf. I took an elongated stretch whereas the pot of grass spiraled down onto the Slow Crawler under me. Its silly head acquired smashed like a bug, although not with out shattering the pot and ruining all of my cat grass.

The issues I do for Furrtastic Feast. Err… I imply the issues I do for my people. Yeah. That.

The grotesque factor stopped shifting. From its one hand to its non-existent toes, it was utterly nonetheless, not messing up the welcome mat or getting goo on my slippy, slidey hardwood flooring.

I hopped off my shelf, masking eight toes to the bottom and touchdown on my toes, then I swatted the undead human with my claw to ensure he was simply common lifeless now.

My people simply watched, as in the event that they anticipated me to do the cleanup, too. I shook my head and sat by the door, tapping my tail impatiently.

Feel free to shut the door at any time, people. I mewed sarcastically. No rush or something! It’s not like there’s a military of sluggish walkers on the market ready to return inside and steal my hen and liver.

Greg Mimsy lastly acquired the trace. Too surprised to say a phrase, he used his bat to push the rancid creature again outdoors, shut the door, locked all of the locks, and went to the kitchen in a trance, hopefully to get me some cat treats.

“About time.” I meowed. Though my people couldn’t perceive me. Clearly they couldn’t perceive learn how to survive a zombie apocalypse both. Actually, I used to be nonetheless amazed they’d survived common life lengthy sufficient to even get to the tip of the world. It should be robust to be born with out reflexes and crafty. Though it was additionally robust to not have the thumbs to function the can opener for my meals, so it could be good in the event that they’d a minimum of attempt to handle themselves generally. Protecting my meals supply from their very own foolishness had change into a full time job.

But what are you able to do? A cat’s work is rarely performed.

Zombies Don’t Eat Catnip is out there now by way of most retailers!

Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B098VZ3TK2/

Apple: https://books.apple.com/es/ebook/zombies-dont-eat-catnip/id1575743873

Barnes and Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/zombies-dont-eat-catnip-tiffani-burkett/1139810497?ean=2940165716812

Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/e-book/zombies-don-t-eat-catnip-1

Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1093276

And extra!

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